Her white shirt reads “Make America Quirky Again” in red and the tattoo on her bicep says “I Kiss Girls.” Massive breasts, no bra. It’s a Tuesday and we’re in some café that apparently has zero online presence. She called it “real underground” the night before and gave me insanely vague directions which of course made me 10 minutes late, just in time to get there 15 minutes before her. “Fashionably,” is what she qualified our tardiness.
I tell her that I like her lipstick, and her eyes contract as she tells me, “it’s so I can leave my mark after I blow you later.” After this she laughs all crazy-like before ending the laugh with an unreasonably abrupt stop. Holy shit is the stop abrupt. It’s the sort of abruptness that comes after the quiet teacher finally snaps on a class of noisy kids. A sort of uber-abruptness, as it were.
When the little coffee-waitress comes, my date orders nothing and I order “just a black coffee” which is the official name of the drink on the menu. “Ohhhhhh.” She says. “Just a black coffee; Mr. Tough Guy over here. I bet you’re sooooo strong and such a manly-man with an order such as this.”
She does the laugh again at even a higher pitch this time around and an even more unexpectedly abrupt ceasefire. It was like you could study and train for years to be able to predict when exactly the laughing was going to stop and you would still be wrong at least 90% of the time.
“Yeah.” I say, nervous to say anything more.
“So… she says.
I notice that somehow her breasts have gotten even bigger somehow, her uncapped nipples more pronounced.
“…Tell me more about you.” She continues. “What should I know about you?”
The ‘you’ pronounced so aggressively I felt myself spit a little of my masculine coffee. Cautiously I say “Well, I’m in dental school, fresh out of the military. I enlisted after to college to help pay for grad school.”
“GOD!” she says, rolling her eyes.
“Huh?” I ask.
With an arrogant scoff she says “I just think it’s funny how this country sends everyone off to war with the promise of free schooling without considering the long-term, traumatic ramifications of what they are doing to the individual. Here I am on a comfortable Tuesday sitting across from a prime example of the MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX.”
“Ugh, you poor thing, you. You must be riddled with traumatic memories, PTSD, you must be awake all hours of the night just thinking of what you’ve done, all because some Washington Fat Cat gets a hard dick from trading souls for oil. God, don’t you just feel used.”
“Well actually uh…I never saw combat I was a…”
“See this is what’s just so disgusting about the Capitalist West, we just don’t have any compassion for anyone it’s all about exploiting the weak and the poor and using them for the gain of a few. God this country is so FUCKED I swear I wish I could move to Europe.”
“Yeah, well I wouldn’t say it was all that…”
“And JESUS the amount of rape and sodomy that goes on in the military these days; it’s basically part of the toxic culture of the whole thing you know? Classic boys-club like every other institution in this god-forsaken Capitalist hellscape. “Did you know that 90% of women in the military are raped? That’s a fact, that’s proven, like literally the United States Military is just a fucking gang-rape club, a fun little playground for sadistic boys to act out their twisted patriarchal dominance fantasies.”
“Well, I don’t think that’s necessarily tr—”
“Holy shit you must have seen people raped while you were in the Army! Goodness what that must do to you in terms of trauma! You poor thing. Wait, were you raped too? Oh fuck, you weren’t the one doing the raping were you?”
“Nope, I definitely didn’t do anything like that. And actually, I was in the Air…”
“The fucking MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX man!”
This, she belches like a heavy-metal frontman.
“So anyway, a little bit about myself now.” She goes on. “I’m gender non-binary so please please please for the love of everything beautiful in our great vast universe which I’m mentioning because the idea of a singular ‘God’ is an outdated notion that ought to be dispelled please use my correct pronouns or I will actually murder you and everyone you hold dear because it’s really not that difficult to do okay? Hahahahaha____.”
Again, with such abruptness.
“Also, I’m what is called Macro-Vegan which means I practice plant-based eating but only on a macro level. So, like at a micro level if you really deduce things far enough down I’m actually at my heart a fucking savage cannibal who will eat all men and also THE RICH. I will eat them and chew on their brains until each milligram of their pathetic bodies has returned to dust in my excrement. Are you uncomfortable with female shit, Kevin? Because guess what? Girls have most of the same body functions as you do, so get off your high-horse.”
Note: My name is Kyle.
“Furthermore, I practice what is called Serial Born-Again Virginity, which basically means that each time I sleep with someone – male or female because I don’t discriminate – I am instantly cleansed the next morning and free from the prior night’s actions so that way I am in a state of constant sexual purity allowing me to carry a substance of sexual purity to each new partner.”
“This is important, Chris, because I personally keep a list of all 73 men that I’ve slept with and, well, sexual-health screenings at that altitude would get rather pricy and because our stupid government won’t pay a dime for the health of women, I’ve had to resort to this constant state of rebirth instead. Also, I swear to absolutely each of the 73 of those soul’s mothers’ lives that if you even are considering the notion of slut-shaming me in your perverted little violence-disturbed mind right now, I will fucking end your life. Do you hear me?
“And don’t think for a second that just because I have the uncanny ability to pronounce myself pure after sex that I just go around sleeping with anybody who takes me on a date. I will under no circumstances be letting you touch me tonight, Devin, okay?”
“It’s not happening, Kevin. I know that you guys all just think you’re owed something from us just because you bring us on dates and pay for things but your male-entitlement is going to just have to take a seat on the bench tonight okay? Get that through your skull.”
“Also, I’m a pacifist, so I don’t believe in any sort of violence whatsoever including violence between humans, violence between animals, or human violence against animals.”
“Oh, I know what pacifism is haha.” I say.
“Okay Carl, I really don’t need you to mansplain anything to me right now, I think I know what I’m talking about so if you could just put your male-intellect aside for one moment, I think I know what I’m talking about.”
“Oh, and also I really don’t appreciate you ordering something on this date because I am currently in my first week of what’s called “Romantic-Fasting” which essentially means I fast in every and all situations that may have any sort of romantic connotations. I thought you would be a little more open-minded but I guess I was wrong.”
“Oh, I’m sorry I can…”
“And like the reason I’m doing the fast is because I’ve dedicated this year to self-love and studies show that when a person is hungry they pay WAY more attention to The Self which is by the way really hard to do on dates because you have to listen to the other person talk about themselves so honestly I think it’s pretty rude that you would even ask me out like this.”
“And now I’m going to have to stay up ridiculously late to be able to masturbate 3 more times because my spirit requires at least 6 sessions per day to truly love myself and I’m also now starving because I’m fasted and all I really want to do now is rage against the prison system because that’s exactly how I feel on this stupid date with you, trapped in a bleak cell with no prospects of getting out. I’m just another victim to the patriarchy and now its all just FUCKED and everything is...”
As she drones on her breasts continue to enlarge until she literally just explodes. Gears and bolts and wires fly all the fuck everywhere, and I realize that yep, she was indeed just a robot the entire time – but I must say, what a quirky robot she was.